blog-o kickasso

Out of Boy Toys

2009-11-11T22:46:00.000-08:00

So somehow, I seem to have wandered into the McDonald's in Cougar Town.

Stoned College Beer Pong Incest

2009-11-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

Apparently these are the terms people have searched to find my news satire site Secondhand News.

Gotta do something about that.

Secondhand News

2009-02-17T09:36:00.000-08:00

So, as I alluded to before, I'm going to be doing more of my sarcastic-take-on-the-news articles. Just not here.

I'm currently in the process of getting my news satire site secondhandnewsnetwork.com up and running. I've done a bunch of work setting it up, with the help of my lovely and talented girlfriend Randi. But for now, it's still very Beta.

I've re-posted all the articles that were originally up here and on Greater Than Three and I've also written some new stuff already.

I've also set up corresponding Twitter and YouTube accounts. I haven't put up any videos thus far, but I'll be doing them from time to time, hopefully about once a week.

So go check it out, add me to your RSS feeds, subscribe to the videos, follow me on twitter. Let me know what ya think.

New Layout, Anyone?

2009-02-05T18:12:00.000-08:00

Hey, anybody out there still reading this thing?

What do you think of the redesign? It's all about simplicity, baby. There was just too much stuff going on. I like this theme, very zen.

I'm going to try get back to posting on here from time to time. Not with the news article things (more on that another time) but as an honest to god blog.

Anyway . . .

Mucho red. You likey?

Spontaneity.

2008-11-09T20:26:00.000-08:00

UK to Zimbabwe: You Can't Play With Our Balls

2008-06-24T20:40:00.000-07:00

The U.N. Security Council unanimously ruled today that Zimbabwe is screwed.

More specifically, they ruled that it would be impossible for the country's runoff presidential election to be "free and fair" in light of the fact that President Robert Mugabe has been using some slightly undemocratic campaign tactics, such as slaughtering his opponent's supporters en masse.

President Mugabe has transformed his nation from a beacon of hope and prosperity in Africa, and one of it's largest agricultural producers, into an impoverished shell of a country. Zimbabwe is now dependent on foreign food aid and fully half the population is undernourished. The unemployment rate is 80% and inflation is a world record-shattering 355,000 percent.

Seriously.

So with that less than stellar track record, it wasn't too much of a surprise when challenger Morgan Tsvangirai received more votes than Mugabe in the March 29th election. However, after weeks of delays, the official vote tallies released by Mugabe's government (amid accusations of tampering, rigging, and good old fashioned making shit up) showed that Tsvangirai had won by too close of a margin, forcing a runoff.

Since then, the honorable Mr. Mugabe has engaged in a campaign of violence, intimidation and "outright terror", as the African National Congress termed it.
Human rights groups report that over 80 of Tsvangirai's supporters have been killed since March, with tens of thousands injured and twice as many homes destroyed. Over 200,000 people have been displaced by the violence in total.

Tsvangirai was eventually forced to withdraw in the wake of the violence, as well as regular harassment by Mugabe's government and widespread rumors of state-sponsored assassination attempts. Tsvangirai announced yesterday that he would not be taking part in this “sham of an election process”, explaining that he could not ask Zimbabweans to turn out to vote “when that vote could cost them their lives.”

Tsvangirai then had to flee to the shelter of the Dutch embassy, leading to the U.N.'s declaration today. However, the statement released by the Security Council is actually only a "non-binding" resolution. It is a watered down version of the original statement, drafted by the British, which explicitly blamed Mugabe's government for the crisis and said Tsvangirai would be the legitimate leader if a credible run-off vote could not be held.

So how would the mighty UK respond to being rebuffed in their attempts to condemn Mugabe? Surely a proud nation like Great Britain could not simply collect their crumpets and go quietly into the night? Of course not. So how would they punish the Zimbabwean regime? That's right, you guessed it. They're not going to play cricket with them.

Prime Minister Gordon Brown had British Culture Secretary Andy Burnham hand deliver a letter to the England and Wales Cricket Board conveying the prime minister's position that Zimbabwe not be allowed to play in next summer's one-day internationals or the UK-hosted Twenty20 World Cup.

That's right, hand delivered. Because it would be unthinkable to send a message this important through a medium as undignified and colonial as e-mail.

The International Cricket Council will discuss a possible world ban next week.

Around the world, reactions to the ban ranged from surprise at the harsh reaction to amazement that there is such a thing as The International Cricket Council.
If other nations follow suit, the outlook for Zimbabwe could indeed be grim as they could possibly face being prohibited from playing hockey with Canada, not being able to throw boomerangs at kangaroos with Australia, and being banned from international bobsled competition with Jamaica.

Obama Advisor: Luke Skywalker, Winnie the Pooh are Key to Foreign Policy

2008-06-18T22:59:00.000-07:00

Richard Danzig was the Secretary of the Navy under President Clinton. He is a top foreign policy advisor to Barack Obama, and could well be tapped to serve National Security Advisor in an Obama administration. Mr. Danzig is a man who could have a strong influence on the course America charts into the 21st century. And why? Because he is a man well informed. He has done his homework and has identified the key philosophies and strategies to best guide the nation. As Mr. Danzig recently stated in his remarks before the Center for a New American Security,

"Winnie the Pooh seems to me to be a fundamental text on national security."

Thats right, Winnie THE Pooh. The classic children's tale of a boy's talking teddy bear. Danzig then went on to read a passage from Winnie the Pooh to an auditorium of foreign policy experts.

Seriously.

The paragraph he read detailed Winnie the Pooh "coming downstairs now, bump, bump, bump on the back of his head behind Christopher Robin. It is, as far as he knows, the only way of coming down stairs. But sometimes he thinks there really is another way if only he could stop bumping a minute and think about it.”

One can only hope he was making a point about the need to step back and reexamine failed strategies and not literally lecturing on optimal stair navigation technique for ensuring minimal head bumpage.

Unfortunately due to time constraints Mr. Danzig was unable to read selections from "The Cat in the Hat", sing "Old McDonald Had a Farm" and play Peek-a-boo to further illustrate his point.

Danzig went on to explain the psychology of terrorists and the lessons he learned in interviewing some of the imprisoned Aum Shinrikyo terrorists who released sarin nerve gas on the Tokyo subway in 1995. As one terrorist told him: "We have been raised on a theory of superheroes. We all want to be like Luke Skywalker."

Luke Skywalker, was of course the protagonist of the 1970's science fiction trilogy Star Wars who used a light sword and the ability to move things with his mind (which he learned from a tiny green muppet) to defeat a dude in a black helmet and a cape who SPOILER ALERT: turned out to be his father.

As Mr. Danzig pointed out, “The parallels with al Qaeda are obvious.”

Obvious indeed, for instance, much like Luke Skywalker, Osama Bin Laden was raised in the desert. He spent his youth helping his Uncle Owen around the moisture farm, buying droids, bullseyeing womp rats in his T-16 speeder, and dreaming of going to Tosche Station to pick up some power converters.

But wait, if Luke Skywalker is al Qaeda, who are we? The Empire?

So if I understand Mr. Danzig's metaphors correctly, he's saying that we as a country are, what? Darth Vader being dragged down the stairs, hitting our head on every step on the way down?

At least we have a helmet.

Need I remind you that this man stands a pretty good chance of shaping America's foreign policy over the next few years?

May the force be with us.

Economy Goes Down, Prostitutes Don't

2008-06-17T21:32:00.000-07:00

NEVADA - It's no secret that the U.S. economy is not in the best of shape. Between the sub-prime mortgage crisis, the credit crunch, the soaring price of oil and the weak dollar, times are tough and getting tougher all the time.

But until now it's only affected us in minor ways, a foreclosed home here, a family unable to afford gasoline and groceries there, maybe the occasional collapse of an airline industry. Nothing to get your panties in a twist over. But now the stalled economy is hitting us Americans where we live: our brothels.

According to Newsweek.com the Nevada Brothel Owners' Association is reporting a record drop in business with revenue down by a whopping 45 percent.

The world's oldest profession has thrived throughout history, in good times and bad, because there is always demand for a good screw. So such flaccid sales figures can only be explained by potential customers getting screwed elsewhere, in this case at the pump.

"Some of these brothels are out in the middle of nowhere so fuel prices have an effect," explains Dennis Hof, proprietor of the Moonlite Bunny Ranch and winner of the 1997 Western Regional Mr. Clean lookalike contest.

This cannot be allowed to continue. Prostitutes provide an invaluable service to the community by servicing the community. That they should lose their livelihoods is unthinkable. How can we stand by as they are reduced to not turning tricks, just to survive? We cannot take it lying down that they are no longer taking it lying down.

It is time for action. It is time for us to arouse our righteous indignation and thrust our collective will into the moist, ready orifice we call representative government. Please, write your elected representatives and urge them to support subsidies for the prostitution industry before the bottoms-up business goes belly up. Because otherwise one day many years from now you might just have to explain to your daughter, as you walked by a long abandoned, shuttered brothel, that no, she can't grow up to be anything she wants to be.

And you'll have no one to blame but yourself.

Gays Marry in California, Omnipotent Deity Pissed

2008-06-16T21:20:00.000-07:00

SAN FRANCISCO, California - Time to dust off your earthquake insurance, California. Your forecast? Partly wrathful with a chance of smite-age.

California began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples at 5:01pm today, when a controversial decision by the state's supreme court to overturn a ban on gay marriage took effect.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom presided over the first ceremony, marrying long time lesbian rights activists Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84.

Mayor Newsom had no comment on why he had decided to incur the wrath of God.

After all, the Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an "abomination"(Leviticus 18:22, right before the part where it says that it's okay to own slaves)

Take Lyon and Martin's committed, loving relationship of over 50 years. Disgusting. How could that sordid sapphism possibly compare to the deep meaning and dignity that is automatically created by the union of members of the opposite sex? Britney Spears' 55 hour marriage to Jason Allen Alexander stands out as a shining example.

Besides, it's been shown that there is absolutely no better way to attract the vengeance of the Almighty than bumping naughty bits with someone of the same gender. Recall what happened to the town that put the "Sodom" in "Sodomy". It's a proven fact: hot man-on-man or woman-on-woman action is nothing but fire and brimstone waiting to happen.

Just ask Pastor John Hagee, prominent Texas televangelist, and former supporter of Republican presidential nominee John McCain*.

“Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans. New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God,” said Pastor Hagee, because “there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came.”

All this points to a massive disaster hitting the Golden State in the not so distant future. Which kinda sucks for me personally, as I live there. If the Lord's track record tells us anything, we could be in for anything from your standard natural disaster to the rivers turning to blood or frogs falling from the sky. Perhaps we might even warrant a personalized vengeance, maybe even the oft-predicted and oh-so-geologically possible "California falling into the ocean" scenario.

Either way, it ain't gonna be pretty.

If we as a country put aside little details like the founding principle of the separation of church and state, there's really only one question to ask in times like these: what would Jesus do? Some might point to his teachings of love and tolerance, but those people are misguided fools who will burn in the fires of hell for eternity. No, the proper response to the question "what would Jesus do?" is simple: not get gay married.

If you are still not convinced, even after all of the above evidence against the sinful practice of gay marriage, then consider the following.

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

PWND!!! Done. Argument over. It's ironclad. There's just no arguing with that one. I mean, for christsake, it RHYMES!!!

*Although Senator McCain initially stated that he was "proud" and "very honored" to have Pastor Hagee's endorsement in February, after extended media coverage of Hagee's anti-gay, anti-semitic and anti-Catholic hatespeech, McCain recently "rejected and repudiated" Hagee's statements and rejected the pastor's endorsement. Good for him.

Supreme Court Finds Detainees Have Rights . . . Again

2008-06-12T19:56:00.000-07:00

The US Supreme Court ruled today that "detainees" being held by the US military in Guantanamo Bay, Cuba have the right to challenge the legality of their detention in civilian federal court.

The justices' ruling seemingly missed the entire point of Guantanamo Bay. Gitmo was born out of the necessities of a post 9/11 world. After all, in the War on Terror™, it was inevitable that some prisoners would have to be taken. Not that they should be considered "Prisoners of War", because that would just grant them all kinds of "rights" and "humane treatment" under those total buzzkill treaties called the Geneva Conventions. But we wouldn't want to let them fall into the US legal system with all its bullshit "due process" either. The solution was elegant, nay, beautiful. Step 1: create a meaningless designation like "enemy combatant" after all, "enemy combatants" can't possibly have rights if you just made the term up. Step 2: House them on land leased by the US government on Cuban soil, and which is therefore a legal gray area. It was the perfect loophole. And the damn Supreme Court had to go and fuck it all up.

This isn't the first time the high court has stuck their collective gavel where it didn't belong in regards to Guantanamo. Back in 2004, they ruled that detainees had the right to appeal their unlawful detention (otherwise known as the right of habeas corpus) just because of some obscure law called The United States Constitution (article one, Section 9).

Then again in 2006 the court just HAD to get involved and ruled against the trial-ish "tribunals" (starring an all US military cast) set up by the Bush administration, effectively saying "Uh, this shit ain't legal".

Naturally Bush did the honorable thing and took advantage of the Republican majority in both houses of congress to push through legislation countermanding the Supreme Court's findings, most notably the Military Commissions Act of 2006 which effectively said "Uhh, yeah it is. No takesy backsy."

The Military Commissions Act solved the habeas corpus issue by stating that detainees, could challenge the legal basis of their imprisonment, but only before a panel of US military personnel. It also reaffirmed trying detainees by military tribunal, because dammit, it was a good idea in the first place.

One only has to look to the recent trial of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and several other suspected terrorists to see the brilliance of the system. Brilliance that was apparently lost on the defendants who elected to represent themselves. Why would they do that when a perfectly good system had been set up with the US military acting as judge, prosecution and defense? I mean it was so aboveboard, the media was even allowed to watch! Ok, so the media was technically watching in another room, hearing everything on a 20 second delay which seemed to cut out whenever the defendants made any reference to being tortured or being put on psychotropic medication. And admittedly, a sizable part of the audio may have actually been an episode of "Dora the Explorer". But to be fair, all the reporters could count to twenty in Spanish by the end of the day.

The point is, a system was set up to handle the detainees and their "rights": letting the US military decide everything. But did that appease the Supreme Court? Noooooooooooooooooo. They just kept clinging to their precious Constitution.

Which brings us to today's ruling. Justice Anthony Kennedy who wrote the majority opinion on the case said, "The laws and constitution are designed to survive, and remain in force, in extraordinary times. Liberty and security can be reconciled; and in our system they are reconciled within the framework of the law."

Boo freaking hoo. Somebody call the "Waaah"mbulance.

President Bush knows that the constitution is like an instruction manual for our nation. But the president is also a Real Man, and he knows when a Real Man is building something, be it a new entertainment center from Ikea, or a strategy for dealing with suspected terrorists, a Real Man doesn't look at the instructions. That's for sissies. A Real Man just follows two simple laws:

Law One:
If it doesn't fit, force it.

Law Two:
If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

Of course with the Democrats in control of congress, the ruling might actually stick this time, upholding the constitutional principle of habeas corpus as well as about half of the Bill of Rights. Ugh. Today is indeed a dark day for democracy.

Bush Regrets Seeming 'Anxious for War'

2008-06-10T20:55:00.000-07:00

LONDON, UK - In an exclusive interview with the London Times, President George W. Bush for the first time expressed regrets over his rhetoric in the lead-up to the Iraq war. In a rare moment of public self-reflection, Bush admitted that his aggressive public stance prior to the invasion may have “indicated to people that I was, you know, not a man of peace”.

No! Mr. President, that is ridiculous. Now, invading and occupying a sovereign nation that had never attacked, and did not pose a threat to the United States or her allies, THAT might have indicated to people that you weren't a man of peace.

Bush went on to say that phrases like “bring them on” and “dead or alive" may have made him seem like a “guy really anxious for war”.

Come on Mr. B, if anything made you seem like a guy anxious for war, it was justifying the war by claiming that Saddam was not cooperating with UN weapons inspectors and then deciding to invade, ignoring repeated requests for more time by the ACTUAL U.N. WEAPONS INSPECTORS.

Dubya also noted how painful it was for him “to put youngsters in harm’s way”.

It's obvious why you would feel the need to point that out there, Georgie-boy, seeing as how it's so easy to get the impression that you couldn't give a rat's ass. It's the little things. Remember the time you used the threat of "Weapons of Mass Destruction" and, yes even "a mushroom cloud over an American city" as the centerpiece of the steaming pile of half-truths, fabrications and general bullshit used to sell the war? And do you remember how a year or so after the invasion and after losing hundreds of troops it was exposed that there had NEVER BEEN ANY WMDs IN THE FIRST PLACE?? Remember how funny you found that? I mean, you must have found it funny, because at Radio and Television Correspondents Dinner you showed slides of you looking under furniture in the White House joking "Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere ... Nope, no weapons over there ... maybe under here?" LAUGHING at the outright false pretenses under which you took us into a war that to date has killed over FOUR THOUSAND U.S. and coalition troops.

It's the little things like that that make it easy to think that "putting youngsters in harm's way" doesn't weigh to heavily on the evil black void where your soul ought to be.

And after all that, all you regret is your choice of words?

“I think that in retrospect I could have used a different tone, a different rhetoric,” you said.

It's not your tone, Mr. President, it's your lies, your arrogance; it's your policies that have needlessly wasted massive amounts blood and treasure and most of all the way you seem to just not give a shit. That, Mr. President, THAT is what indicates to us that you are "you know, not a man of peace."

Clinton Concedes Losses to Obama, Reality

2008-06-09T20:14:00.000-07:00

So obviously the big story over the weekend was Saturday's conclusion of the 17 month saga that was the Democratic Party's presidential nomination process.

What's that you say? You thought the Democratic Nominee was decided last Tuesday, when the final two primaries gave Barack Obama enough delegates to surpass the threshold of 2,118 required for the nomination? When he stood before a crowd of 17,000 at the Xcel Energy Center in St. Paul, MN and declared:

"Tonight, I can stand before you and say that I will be the Democratic nominee for president of the United States."?

You thought that was the end? That the Democratic Party could finally heal their wounds, come together and unite behind their candidate?

That's real cute, but no.

You see, that same night, Senator Hillary Clinton was also speaking. Would she deliver a graceful concession speech?

"This has been a long campaign," said Senator Clinton, "and I will be making no decisions tonight." That's right, she would be making no decisions about the fact that her opponent had won the nomination. She would also be making no decisions about the bombing of Pearl Harbor, the removal of the McRib sandwich from McDonald's menu or any other of a host of things which are facts, in the past, and completely beyond her control.

In an unrelated story the New England Patriots issued a press release stating that they still do not concede losing Superbowl XLII to the New York Giants February 3rd, saying "it's too soon to make any decisions."

After all, is losing any reason to accept defeat?

Apparently it is, as on Saturday Senator Clinton finally DID concede, throwing her support behind Obama and pushing for party unity saying, "The Democratic Party is a family".

It is like a family, and the primary race has been just like a great big sibling rivalry. Remember the sisterly way she used to needle Obama? Like the time she said:

“I have a lifetime of experience I will bring to the White House. I know Senator McCain has a lifetime of experience he will bring to the White House. And Senator Obama has a speech he made in 2002.”

Now that may sound to the untrained ear like an endorsement of the opposition over her Democratic "family", but hey, that's just the way brothers and sisters tease each other, right? It reminds me of the time I threw my brother in front of a moving school bus. Ah, family.

Ok, ok, so maybe Senator Clinton hasn't always treated Senator Obama like family, between suggesting that he is unprepared to be commander in chief, implying that he might be a secret Muslim, and insinuating that she was staying in the race because he might be assassinated. Maybe the family analogy doesn't really stand up to rational analysis, especially coming from her, but where is it written that she always has to be in touch with this ephemeral concept we call "reality"?

As former President Bill Clinton said of reporters who criticized his wife's account of arriving in Bosnia under sniper fire in 1995 (which never actually happened and as far as anyone can tell she just completely made up), “When they’re 60, they’ll forget something when they’re tired at 11 o’clock at night, too.”

In other words, ignore all the ridiculous, false, and otherwise untethered things Senator Clinton has said. It's ok, she's just sleepy. And old.

Turkish Court Thwarts Islamist Headscarf Conspiracy

2008-06-06T22:10:00.000-07:00

ANKARA, TURKEY - Turkey's highest court has overturned a constitutional amendment which would lift the ban on the wearing of headscarves by young women in universities.

The amendment was the work of Turkey's ruling Justice and Development (AK) Party, which may be forced to disband amid swirling accusations of "anti-secular activities" which could lead the party's members,including Turkey's president and prime minister, to be banned from belonging to a political party for five years. The headscarf issue is the latest example of what many strict secularists call the AK party's "secret Islamist agenda". After all, what could be more extremist than suggesting that no one be barred from education because of their attire?

The court upheld the ban, which experts estimate has forced thousands of women to study abroad or not attend university at all, citing the secularist principles of Turkey's constitution and the fact that the brightly colored scarves "like, totally clash with the classroom's earth-tone color palette".

A statement from the office of President Abdullah Gul justified the amendment as an attempt to provide equal access for all citizens to higher education. "The amendments do not conflict with the basic principles of the republic," it said, adding "The Constitutional Court are a bunch of smelly doo-doo heads" which, while true, was just plain mean.

"We're rubber and you're glue. Whatever you say bounces off of us and sticks to your garish, tacky headscarves," the Court responded, "and yo mama wears white after labor day!"

Following the ensuing slap-fight, the Constitutional Court admitted that their opposition to the headscarves was not entirely based on upholding secularism, but was based on the recommendations of Christian Siriano, constitutional scholar, international judicial consultant and of course, winner of season 4 of Project: Runway. Evidently Siriano had judged the headscarves a "fierce hot mess" and the court had ruled accordingly.

At the time of this writing, Turkish government officials would neither confirm nor deny rumors of a ban on wearing socks with sandals.

Air Force Top Brass Lose Nukes, Jobs

2008-06-05T16:59:00.000-07:00

WASHINGTON DC - Chief of Staff Gen. T. Michael Moseley and Secretary Michael W. Wynne, the top military and civilian leaders of the United States Air Force were forced to resign today amid accusations of poor performance, incompetence and "general fucked-uppedness" by their branch of the military.

Such serious repercussions at such a high level may seem a bit harsh, perhaps even an overreaction. After all, the Air Force has a budget of over 100 BILLION dollars a year, more than the entire defense budget of ANY country other than the United States of America. With that kind of moolah to spend on equipment and training, how bad could the Air Force's performance be?

Ok, so they may have accidentally sent components of nuclear warheads to Taiwan instead of helicopter batteries. What, you've never made a mistake at your job? So we dropped a few million training these guys on this equipment. So what? It's all . . . vaguely mechanical looking. Like the old song says, "You say po-tay-to and I say po-tah-to, you say harmless battery and I say device capable of arming a ballistic missile . . . " So they've got one strike against them, no big deal.

All right, so admittedly this next one is kind of a bone-headed move. Apparently an Air Force B-52 bomber flew across the country from South Dakota to Louisiana while accidentally carrying a payload of six nuclear-tipped missiles. Somebody misplaced some missiles. Big deal. People are human, mistakes happen. It's no different than the countless times you've probably misplaced your car keys. Only in this case the keys could have annihilated most of the midwestern United States. Two strikes. Not good, obviously, but I'm sure they learned from these blunders and decided to be much more careful in the future.

Except that last month the Air Force's 5th Bomber wing underwent a "nuclear surety" inspection and failed, in spite of having several months to prepare for the inspection and the intense scrutiny they were under following the previous mishaps. The inspectors concluded that they were was unable to properly safeguard it's portion of the nation's nuclear stockpile. Sure that's three strikes, I mean, if you want to be all mathematical about it. But I'm going to give them a mulligan on this one anyway. I support the troops, goddamn it. Inspectors are such pessimists anyway. Maybe they wouldn't be such Negative Nancies if they didn't go around looking for problems all the time.

Fine, so the Air Force can't keep track of their nukes. Really, what's the worst that could happen?

Supreme Court Justice Announces Monkey Video Game

2008-06-04T19:37:00.000-07:00

It was inevitable, really. Sandra Day O'Connor's life story and accomplishments, including graduating at the top of her class at Stanford Law, being elected to the Arizona State Senate and, oh yeah, becoming the first female Supreme Court Justice, impressive as they may be, have clearly been leading to this point. At long last she has reached what many believe to be the pinnacle of her long and storied career, the logical conclusion of her life's work.

That's right, Sandra Day O'Connor has finally become a video game developer.

The 78 year old has announced that she is involved in the development of the project "Our Courts", an online video game designed to teach young people about the judicial system.

At an age when most would be concerning themselves with budgeting their pensions to afford name-brand denture cream and adult diapers, O'Connor is more worried by ignorance about our system of justice among today's youth. Naturally there could be only one solution to such an issue. That solution? A video game featuring a 3-D animated monkey.

"It will allow students to engage in real legal issues," said O'Connor, as if anyone could doubt the seriousness of this project. After all, the monkey is right there on the home page.

One can only assume the limb the monkey is swinging from is the Judicial Branch.

Birthdaypalooza!

2008-04-26T20:35:00.000-07:00

Tonight Casa De Kickasso will play host once again to the party event of the year: Birthdaypalooza. To mark this auspicious occasion I thought I would share with you a promo video I made for last years' event:

The remainder of this blog post will deal with some Birthdaypalooza-related frequently asked questions, which I have just made up.

F.A.Q

Q. What is Birthdaypalooza?
A. Birthdaypalooza is a mystical celebration of the birth of several awesome people, including Pablo Kickasso, who were born in April. It has been observed every year at the traditional "7th St. House" location since 2005.

Q. Can I come?
A. No. If you were cool enough, you would have already received an invitation through the proper channels.

Q. Why did you make a promotional video for some party at your house?
A. It was to put on the MySpace event e-vite page, to educate, to entertain and to make the future of humanity just a little bit brighter. Plus I was bored.

Q. Have you made videos for any other parties you've had?
A. Yes.

Q. Why didn't you make a video for this year's Birthdaypalooza?
A. I was busy. I didn't feel like it. Fuck you. Mind your own business.

Q. Jeez, settle down. Why so defensive?
A. I think that's about enough questions, you lousy, nosy, no-good son of a bitch. Question time over. You ruined it for everyone. I hope you're happy.

What the Hell Happened to Me?

2008-04-21T20:37:00.000-07:00

Damn. I used to be such a cute little bastard. Ah, the innocence of youth. Note the abscence of the cynical smirk, the dead, soulless eyes of the later Kickasso.

I was over at mi Madre's place yesterday, and I got the idea to scan in some pics from this old box of photos (onto her bitching iMac, which I'm so friggin' jealous of. It's lightyears ahead of this 7 year old abacus I call a computer, but I digress.)

Anyway, apart from her iMovie annoyingly putting each scan into its own folder (anybody know how to get it to, I dunno, NOT do that?), it went pretty smooth, and soon I had more photos than the 100MB FLICKR allows you to upload per month. Any more and I would have had to shell out some of my hard-earned moolah. Fuck that. So 100MB it is, for now. You can check out more "Aww!"-inspiring cuteness here:

Kickasso: The Early Years

Damn people dressed funny in the 80's. Anywho, I'm sure I'll be adding more as time goes on.

Um, blog post end. Good night, and good luck.

A Rockin' 26th B-Day

2008-04-18T16:15:00.000-07:00

Here's the breakdown of my musical tastes (as compiled by my last.fm account.)

There goes all my indie rock street cred. (It does go a long way towards explaining the hair, though.) I guess it's official: I love Rock 'n Roll. It's only fitting as the Joan Jett song of that name was the number #1 hit on April 17th 1982, my birthday.

Speaking of my birthday (that's what we in the industry call a segue [no, not a "segway" you dork]) whaddya know, it was on April 17th again this year. What are the odds? That's yesterday, for those of you keeping score. It was a grand occasion marked by a bit of hangover from celebrating the night before (birthdays start at midnight goddamn it), various good wishes from various folks (both via the internets and by cellular telephone), and an awesome prime rib dinner with my lovely
girlfriend.

Yes, 4/17 has come and gone once more, leaving pablokickasso417 a little older, a little wiser, and a little more informed about the short term consequences of alcohol abuse.

YourTubeAdvocate

2008-02-03T14:02:00.000-08:00

So, I'm the YourTubeAdvocate for the months of February and March.

If you don't know what the YTA is, here's a brief rundown: It's a channel started by JustA11en to act as an advocate for the issues of the community, to bring them to YouTube and to try and get them to effect change. The position is temporary (originally a one-month term, later lengthened to two) with each YTA choosing his or her successor. I was tapped by the lovely, talented, and often hat-wearing Beccah (LisaSimpson).

The YourTubeAdvocate channel is also a place where people who think the YouTube partner program is some kind of Illuminati-like conspiracy designed to oppress them use the power of snarky comments to try and make me cry. And believe me, I've spent the better part of the last two days curled up in the fetal position sobbing my eyes out.

*rolls eyes

Anyway, I think the YTA has the potential to change things for the better if enough people support it. The more people the YTA speaks for, the more YouTube has to listen to them. I don't usually ask people to subscribe, favorite, etc. but any promotion you could give the YTA channel would be just peachy.

Here's my first video as advocate:

A Retraction

2008-01-30T18:40:00.000-08:00

It seems that in my last post I may have made some "negative" comments about the blog Greater Than Three.

In light of the fact that I have been invited to be a contributor of said blog, I want to make it abundantly clear that those comments were made ONLY in the spirit of whatever makes me not look like a jackass.

Kickasso '08

2008-01-28T20:06:00.000-08:00

So four people that I know to greater and lesser degrees from the internet (paperlilies, Kimberleigh, NathanSt and AndyDrew) have started a group blog called Greater Than Three.

No.

Don't click that link.

Get this: these people had the audacity to not ask me to be involved in their little project. ME. Uh, Hello? Pablo Kickasso? The guy who blogs for at least SEVERAL POSTS before forgetting to update his blog at all for weeks at a time? Do you people not get it?? I'm kind of a big deal. Not to toot my own horn but I DO happen to be the 2,436th most subscribed YouTuber OF ALL TIME!!!!

So what can we learn from this? I mean, other than the four aforementioned individuals are big meanies and stupidheads?

Well first of all, other than linking you to it, and writing about it at length in this blog, I will NOT be promoting this elitist little club of theirs, because I am a firm believer that there is no problem so complex that it can not be solved by pouting like a 6 year-old.

However, the main lesson to take away from this debacle is that, while I clearly AM a big deal, I may not be be big ENOUGH.

Therefore, I am hereby announcing my candidacy for President of the United States.

Let's face it, all the major candidates currently in the race have serious flaws: Obama has a funny name, Romney is evil incarnate, Clinton has a vagina, and Huckabee won't stop talking to his imaginary friend, Jesus.

Yes, there is a void in this race, one I intend to fill with what I call "The Kick Ass Factor". The closest thing to an Ass-Kicker we've got running is McCain, what with is military background and all, but come to think of it, didn't he get HIS ass kicked by the Koreans or whoever back in Vietnam? I'm pretty sure he did. So if you want America to get it's ass kicked by those Kamikaze Korean fuckers and have us all speaking Chow Mein or whatever by this time next year, by all means, vote for that guy. Otherwise, I'm your man.

I'm not running as a Republican or, FSM forbid, a pinko Democrat. No, I think the partisanship and divisiveness of modern American politics is a cancer on this great nation. America isn't about conservatives vs liberals, red states vs blue. No, America is about coming together, uniting as One Nation, somewhere in the general vicinity of God, with liberty and ass-kickings for all, striving towards a common purpose, a goal: the goal of getting me huge amounts of personal power and wealth.

So invite all within the sound of my voice, white or black, man or woman, adult or child (as defined by law, and not by the principle of "If there's grass on the field, play ball.") to support me in this noble cause. I challenge you to give greatly of yourselves to bring us one step closer to a brighter tomorrow. Please, support our common endeavor by giving of your time, or better yet, something of actual value, like your money. Give me your money. All of it.

Thank you and may Dog bless America.

Oh, and to the "Greater Than Three" crew: don't bother apologizing. You can do all your groveling after I lay down my first Presidential decree, making your little blog a capital offense.

On The Five Facts Vlog Tag Chain (Again)

2008-01-07T19:39:00.001-08:00

Seriously, this thing is taking over YouTube. I haven't seen anything get this big since MadV's One World write on your hand campaign thing over a year ago.

Inevitably when something gets this big, some people will start having a little fun with it/at its expense. And while my attempt may have turned out more awkward and uncomfortable than anything approaching "funny", some people have really brought their "A" game to this thing. Here are my favorite not-so-serious responses.

TalkNerdyToKim (aka Kimberleigh)
While this is the video that inspired my shark-jumping video of lameness, which will later be pointed to as the beginning of the end of Pablo Kickasso, I still love this video. Watch it.

Paperlilies
Another video inspired by Kim's bald-faced lying. The fact that so many people took this seriously reaffirms my lack of faith in humanity.

GeneticBlend
Joe didn't go the ridiculous made-up fact route, opting to generate hilarity by other means.

WelcomeStranger (aka Sharpy)
I'm telling you, EVERYBODY is doing one of these videos.

NathanSt
"this is such a typical response as backlash to fun group things on youtube.

this guy is so predictable"

- NathanSt

AndyMcGaffigan
In all seriousness, this may be the funniest guy in the history of YouTube. Tell all your friends. He deserves to have two hundred times as many subscribers as he has.

BenRobot
Ok, so Ben might not technically be making fun of the five facts chain dealie, but he gets points for style and entertainmment value.

Enjoy, fuckers.

[EDIT]

Ladies and gentlemen, we have a late entry!
DentonUSA
I'm proud to say that I personally tagged Mark (although he couldn't be bothered to mention that in the friggin video), and therefore claim full credit for this video. Seriously though, comedy gold. Watch it now, thank me later.

It Ain't So

2008-01-05T12:28:00.000-08:00

I made a video revealing five "facts" about me.

They aren't true.

At all.

I do not have an ex-wife, I do not have a son, hell, as far as I know I have never gotten anybody pregnant.

But let me start at the beginning.

So this English guy called nerimon made a video starting a "Vlog Tag" chain in which you have to reveal five facts about yourself in a video and then "tag" five others to do the same. The five people he tagged tagged five others and the chain proceeded to take over THE ENTIRE INTERNET. At least that's what it seemed like. Every-friggin-body was tagging and being tagged. It wasn't long before I was tagged not once, but twice in the same day by both speedyconkiwi and Kimberleigh.

But Kim's video really got my attention. Her facts were as follows:

1. She owns every Britney Spears album.
2. She was in porn.
3. She taught herself to speak Klingon.
4. She recently got several genital piercings.
5. She was abducted by aliens.

I loved this video, because she did it completely straight-faced and peppered it with little facts that were actually true. (For instance she said she got interested in learning Klingon from people she played World of Warcraft with, which she actually did play) She totally had me going at first. "Omg, Kim was in porn???" If it hadn't been for the alien thing, I might have believed the whole thing. Kim, you magnificent bastard. So when she tagged me, I knew I wanted to do something in the same vein for my video.

However, it didn't really come off the way I'd intended. Only a couple people seem to have caught on, other than the people who know me, and know that I'd pull this kind of shit. I played the whole thing too serious, I think. I did try and give people the the hint by putting a card saying "04.01" behind me (as in 04/01, April first, April Fools Day?). I also put the video in the "comedy" category, put "aprilfools" in the tags and tried to drop some other clues along the way. Here's a breakdown of my five "facts":

1. I played rhythm guitar and sang backup vocals for a band called "The Fools"(April Fools anybody?) which had recorded an album called "The Joke's On You" (hint, hint). I showed some pictures of me playing guitar and singing, but these were actually pictures of me sitting in with a cover band called Crystal Spider that was playing a bar on my base in Korea in 2003 on a USO tour. I have been in a couple short-lived "bands" if you can call them that, but none that actually made it to the point of playing shows.

2. I was originally from West Philidelphia. Basically I just took the plot of the "Fresh Prince of Bel Air" theme song and even lifted some stuff directly out of the song including: "West Philidelphia, born and raised" and "I got in one little fight and my mom got scared". In people's defense a number of people seem to have caught this one. For the record, I was born and raised in California, right here in the San Francisco Bay Area.

3. I was in the Army. Ok, this part was actually true, and I used all real info for it, but only because I thought it would help set up . . .

4. I knocked some chick up when I was as 18, got married and joined the army to be able to provide for my kid "Andy" (as in in Kaufman the renowned prankster/hoaxter/comedian) who was born in April (fools!) and that I had later gotten divorced. This is the part that everybody took REALLY seriously. I played it really vulnerable, even emotional, and probably stretched it out way too long. At the time I found the idea of committing to it that much hilarious, but there were were unintended consequenses.

5. I am the second coming of Jesus Christ. As I was planning out the video, this was supposed to be the "Aha!" moment when people would realize that the video was full of shit. Unfortunately, as Bryony told me later, "the jesus thing after it came off like 'heh, now I just exposed myself emotionally, im gonna be flippant'"

I posted it and it didn't take long for the shit to hit the proverbial fan. People started leaving me all kinds of supportive comments and even private messages about how what I'd done for my "son" was so great, or that my video touched them, or that they knew what I was going through, because they were in a similar situation. That's about the time I started to feel like a total jackass.

On the one hand, it was nice that there were were so many people out there who were so nice and supportive, but it started to feel less like a joke and almost like a betrayal of their trust or something. (Despite the fact that anyone who watches my videos on a regular basis ought to know better than to trust ANYTHING I say in them and just take it at face value)

But yeah.

It was all bullshit.

My bad.

To All the Blogs I've Loved Before

2008-01-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

So now that I've officially dumped Vox for this blog, I think it's time to take a little stroll down memory lane and talk a little about my very first blog.

Over the years I've had a handful of blogs that I've kept up with for a post or five until I got lazy or bored with them and eventually let them wither and die. But it wasn't that way with my first. You know how it can be with your first, it's all so new and exciting. It's so easy to get attached, to get drawn in to a whole world you never knew existed.

It all started back in 2001, (that's right, I was a fucking Web2.0 pioneer[not really{ooh! curly brackets!}]) when I started posting on a site called Open Diary. It was actually called "Free Open Diary" at the time, I don't know if the site's even still around [just checked, it is] but it was one of the very first blogging websites ever, predating LiveJournal and BlogSpot by like a year.

Basically it was to me then what YouTube is to me now. It was a definite online community, and it's worth noting that it was set up a bit differently than the way we think of "blogs" today. In fact, it was set up a lot like YouTube. You had a home page thing, not unlike a YouTube channel page, which linked to all your individual posts which had their own pages with comments at the bottom. The setup was very conducive to interactivity, again like YouTube, and I ended up getting to know a few people on the site.

I posted there for about a year, mostly randomness and rants bitching about life in the Army and, if you can believe it, even some really terrible poetry. No, you can't see it. Just believe me when I say that it was truly awful and amateurish but hey, everybody's allowed to go through a phase where they think they can write poetry, right?

Right??

Anyway, in 2002 I got stationed in Korea, and getting online became kind of a pain in the ass for a while. I ended up getting out of the habit of posting, and eventually stopped logging in altogether. Unfortunately, because I didn't log in for an extended period, my account was eventually deleted, and about 99% of everything I wrote on there was lost, minus a couple things I actually saved to my computer. It sucks, because I think it would be pretty cool to be able to go back and see what I was thinking about stuff back then. Ah well, que sera sera.

Rest in peace, my first blog. You are missed.

p.s. This was back before I was going by "Pablo Kickasso", so to anyone who was on FOD back in '01-'02 and remembers a guy called "thejapaneseone", yeah, that was me.

Stop The Presses!!

2008-01-03T17:02:00.000-08:00

The new home of mindless blog-type rambling for Pablo Kickasso is . . . HERE!!!!

You may commence your celebrations.

A Blog-less Blog

2007-12-09T22:25:00.000-08:00

This is a blog post to tell you that there is no blog here.

I know, I just blew your mind, right?

My actual blog is here.

So why does this even exist?? Well, I guess it gives me a Blogger ID that I can use to comment on people's blogs here. But, I guess I really could do that anyway. I guess that even though I'm blogging on Vox right now, I reserve the right to change my mind whenever I feel like it, and this way if I start posting here, I have the url reserved for me.

Why am I justifying myself to you people? This is my non-blog. I'll do what the fuck I want.

Bugger off.