I'm Pablo Kickasso.
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Gays Marry in California, Omnipotent Deity Pissed

SAN FRANCISCO, California - Time to dust off your earthquake insurance, California. Your forecast? Partly wrathful with a chance of smite-age.

California began issuing marriage licenses to same sex couples at 5:01pm today, when a controversial decision by the state's supreme court to overturn a ban on gay marriage took effect.

San Francisco mayor Gavin Newsom presided over the first ceremony, marrying long time lesbian rights activists Del Martin, 87, and Phyllis Lyon, 84.

Mayor Newsom had no comment on why he had decided to incur the wrath of God.

After all, the Bible clearly states that homosexuality is an "abomination"(Leviticus 18:22, right before the part where it says that it's okay to own slaves)

Take Lyon and Martin's committed, loving relationship of over 50 years. Disgusting. How could that sordid sapphism possibly compare to the deep meaning and dignity that is automatically created by the union of members of the opposite sex? Britney Spears' 55 hour marriage to Jason Allen Alexander stands out as a shining example.

Besides, it's been shown that there is absolutely no better way to attract the vengeance of the Almighty than bumping naughty bits with someone of the same gender. Recall what happened to the town that put the "Sodom" in "Sodomy". It's a proven fact: hot man-on-man or woman-on-woman action is nothing but fire and brimstone waiting to happen.

Just ask Pastor John Hagee, prominent Texas televangelist, and former supporter of Republican presidential nominee John McCain*.

“Hurricane Katrina was, in fact, the judgment of God against the city of New Orleans. New Orleans had a level of sin that was offensive to God,” said Pastor Hagee, because “there was to be a homosexual parade there on the Monday that the Katrina came.”

All this points to a massive disaster hitting the Golden State in the not so distant future. Which kinda sucks for me personally, as I live there. If the Lord's track record tells us anything, we could be in for anything from your standard natural disaster to the rivers turning to blood or frogs falling from the sky. Perhaps we might even warrant a personalized vengeance, maybe even the oft-predicted and oh-so-geologically possible "California falling into the ocean" scenario.

Either way, it ain't gonna be pretty.

If we as a country put aside little details like the founding principle of the separation of church and state, there's really only one question to ask in times like these: what would Jesus do? Some might point to his teachings of love and tolerance, but those people are misguided fools who will burn in the fires of hell for eternity. No, the proper response to the question "what would Jesus do?" is simple: not get gay married.

If you are still not convinced, even after all of the above evidence against the sinful practice of gay marriage, then consider the following.

God created Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve.

PWND!!! Done. Argument over. It's ironclad. There's just no arguing with that one. I mean, for christsake, it RHYMES!!!

*Although Senator McCain initially stated that he was "proud" and "very honored" to have Pastor Hagee's endorsement in February, after extended media coverage of Hagee's anti-gay, anti-semitic and anti-Catholic hatespeech, McCain recently "rejected and repudiated" Hagee's statements and rejected the pastor's endorsement. Good for him.

1 offerings of praise:

Anonymous said...

I am so quoting the title. I'm slightly more supportive of 'valid lifestyle choices' personally